illuminated irises

Its hard to understand why i am going through what i am going through right now. For the past 3 years things have only been going up for me and i have only been getting stronger. I have been hit with some pretty hard turbulence this year that couldve made my life rocky and hard but instead i allowed it to mold me and shape me into a stronger person. Every thing was going so well.... Then Monday hit, and it hit me hard. Like a bulldozer carrying thousands of pounds of wet concrete ready to pour over my life and bury me alive. It broke me down. It tore into me like i havent experienced in a very long time. I cried out to God. I didnt blame Him, instead i praised Him. I thanked Him for my life but i asked Him why is this happening to me? Then i read the story of Job. You see, my blogs would be pointless and serve absolutely no purpose if i didnt go through my fair share of trials too. Mental illness does not mean smooth sailing. There is no magic pill and then you are cured of every ail

You don’t stop just because someone tells you no. You don’t stop because there is a road block. You don’t stop because of your limitations. You stop, you pause, you re- center, you re-group and you pick yourself up and you keep going. There are times that we need to take a break and take a moment to reflect and think about how we could have done things differently and what mistakes we made and how we can learn from them, but don’t stay trapped there. Don’t wallow there. You pick up your pieces and you keep trekking along and you look for the next opportunity because the next opportunity will come! There is no time to wait and wallow in defeat. There is no time to waste away. There is no time to think of the burden you bear. No you pick up the pieces and you keep moving along. Life doesn’t wait for you and you shouldn’t wait for life. I got some bad news today. It was totally unexpected. My plan A fell through and now I will have to make my plan B my new plan A. It hit me h

When i was on my way to Eastern Va medical institute i distinctly remember after they let me out of the emergency vehicle and unchained me, i knelt down to tie my shoes tighter. I was preparing for a marathon. I did not know what i was gearing up for but i was gearing up! They led me into the wait room. I sat there pacing back and forth. Then started doing jumping jacks. Then push ups. Then the guy next to me started asking me questions so i started talking to him. He said he was sent here because he got in trouble for going to a party and getting busted for weed. That was the first time i questioned why i was there. They called my name and i was led to the back. They took my weight and blood pressure and then told me if anyone asks i am there for a period study. So i literally thought i was there for a period study. I was then led into a big room that was an activity room but reminded me of the tv set orange is the new black for God knows what reason... No one was in the room at t

The three years I have spent working here, I have found that people tend to make you feel irrelevant and insignificant. You have to make a name for yourself and you have to make yourself significant. You have to make yourself shine. I told a story this morning about going to my brothers for a steak dinner and it was meant to be a funny story. After I finished my story, I got not a single response in a room filled with 5 people. All I heard were crickets chirping and the sound of my worship music in the background. How do you shine in a cold work environment gone stale? How do you do that with a mental disorder? Especially when you have good days and bad?   That is a question I am still trying to figure out. One thing I know is you have to be confident in yourself and not care about what anyone else thinks about you. If they sit there and ignore you when it is blatantly obvious that you are talking to them and not a single person is responding, brush it off your shoulders. Get up an

Who are you? Who am I? I can’t tell you who you are, only you can tell yourself that. I can only tell you who I am. I am saved by the grace of God. I am a warrior. I am a survivor. I am resilient. I am undefeated. I am fearless. I am bold. I am a daughter. I am a worker. I am a church goer. I have a blog. I care about my family a lot. I am an auntie. I care about my friends a lot. I have two cats. And I have a mental illness called Bipolar 1. There are a lot of other things that define me and the list can go on for days but that is just a synopsis. This is how I used to define myself: I am a walking contradiction, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am wreckless, I am carefree, I love with all my heart, I am too nice, I am too giving. Self-talk is important. It is super critical. How do you view yourself and how do you define yourself? What do you say to yourself and what do you say about yourself? Are you always talking bad about yourself? Are you always bringing yourself down and

I told you my mania would die. As August ends so does my mania and so does my energy. And now i find myself lying here on a Friday because of this hurricane that closed work waking up from a nice nap and talking to a few friends on messenger. I had some very vivid dreams which is no doubt a side effect of the drugs i am on but the good news is i am sleeping and dreaming again. Mania is a fun friend, it creates some beautifully dramatic pieces of inspiration that you want to hold on to forever because for a momeny in time you felt the best you will feel for a while. Your energy was sky high, your motivation was through the roof and your confidence was beyond hesitation. Now its back to reality and i have to find that motivation to keep moving along at an even keeled pace and not slow down even though my body is dragging and relentlessly and tirelessly wants sleep. I have to fight the urge to stay cuddled up in my blankets 24/7 and fight for my goals and fight for my dreams. This is m