Skip to main content

The Power of a Testimony

Its hard to understand why i am going through what i am going through right now. For the past 3 years things have only been going up for me and i have only been getting stronger. I have been hit with some pretty hard turbulence this year that couldve made my life rocky and hard but instead i allowed it to mold me and shape me into a stronger person. Every thing was going so well....

Then Monday hit, and it hit me hard. Like a bulldozer carrying thousands of pounds of wet concrete ready to pour over my life and bury me alive. It broke me down. It tore into me like i havent experienced in a very long time. I cried out to God. I didnt blame Him, instead i praised Him. I thanked Him for my life but i asked Him why is this happening to me?

Then i read the story of Job. You see, my blogs would be pointless and serve absolutely no purpose if i didnt go through my fair share of trials too. Mental illness does not mean smooth sailing. There is no magic pill and then you are cured of every ailment and you never experience the darkness again. I would be giving you false hope and false realities if i shared only that side of it.

On Sunday i was so excited to share my testimony of how i struggled with my disorder and faced my battle and provide hope for a family. On Monday i would be put to the test to face my own battles and be put through the fire to see how i would handle it.

I took Tuesday through Friday off of work because i needed the time to fight this battle. I am hanging on by a thread and i am fighting and pushing forward with everything i have in me to keep on going but i would be lying to you if i said it wasnt one of the most difficult things i am facing right now.

So what am i doing to cope with my struggles?

Tuesday, i cleaned my room, cleaned my car, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, helped a friend with a resume and helped her land a job. After that, we celebrated by hanging out on her front porch.

Wednesday, i cleared the rocks from the side of the house, it was hard work, then i went to a friends house. I was so close to checking myself in to Va Psych but i went to therapy and my therapist convinced me that this is a battle that we can win outside of the hospital. Then i went to my aunt and uncles for dinner

Today, i did a lot of retail therapy courtesy of my mom and in return i did more yard work for my parents.

So despite the lows i am feeling and the want to curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself and shed tears for endless hours i am not. I am pushing forward with everything that i have left in me to fight because i know mental illness is a struggle but i believe when it knocks you down you should fight back.

Yes i did have to take time off of work. I couldnt sit at my desk with my thoughts running wildly, i needed this time to adjust my meds and cope with this flare up of what is going on.

I cant explain why this is happening to me and why all of a sudden my world is crashing down around me except that i believe in the power of a testimony and you cannot control the circumstances of life you can only control how you react to them and i am choosing to use this time in my life as a testimony of how i got kicked down but i kept pressing forward and i did not give up the fight.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Delicate

This is a very delicate topic so I am going to be as sensitive about it as possible. You see all 3 of my breakdowns had one thing in common, i abused stimulants. I was prescribed them but i was not using them as medically prescribed. I would use them to stay up all night and study for my exams or to be that little bit of extra productive at my serving shift. I did take the adhd test and was clinically diadnosed as adhd BUT adhd can mirror Bipolar and the way my psychiatrist explained  to me was that if i were on the right medication to begin with i wouldnt have found the need to abuse prescription stimulants in the first place. This happened for my breakdowns in 2010 and 2013. In 2016 it was different. I was NOT abusing stimulants, i was using vyvanse as medically prescribed and slowly adding in strattera when i added in strattera that is when things started going south. So it is always a question in the back of my head of whether or not i am just not capable of taking stimulants or w
Post a Comment
Read more

In the beginning

I have not been able to fully be THIS alive in 9 years. I am loving every minute of it. In the past 9 years, every 3 years I have had an episode that has torn me down and made me restart my life. The most recent was 2016, the time before that was 2013, and the first was 2010. This is the first time I have broken that 3 year curse and successfully exceeded past the miserable Spring time that brings on my infamous breakdowns. I was 23 when my first episode struck. I was a server at Olive Garden and I was also living with two roommates out in Virginia Beach. I remember the day that my dad knew something was wrong very vividly. I don’t remember the whole day, I just remember a moment of the day. I was on break, I was working a double. I walked out the back door to smoke a cigarette and I walked down to the pond. This was totally out of character and something I would normally never do. I called my Dad and I told him “I love you.” He immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me w
Post a Comment
Read more

Delusions

I had just come home from Walgreens. I spent almost 100 dollars on ink pens. They were on sale. It was my favorite type of ink pens. G2, in every color. I sat in my chair at my desk and I started zoning in and out of reality. My mind was completely blank. I just sat there staring into an empty hallway. Thinking of absolutely nothing. I felt like a complete zombie. My mind was not racing. I was not hearing voices. I was just sitting there in silence. Zoning. My roommate found me and said we need to call your dad. The night before, I was up all night long. I was talking to our cat Tinkerbell(?) having a conversation about a guy who I thought I was dating who I also thought was playing hide and seek with me. I was having a delusion. It was the first time I had ever experienced a delusion before. I had read about it in Psychology class, because I was a psychology major at the time and I was taking abnormal psychology but I had never experienced it. When you experience a delusion, y
Post a Comment
Read more