illuminated irises

I have been at Atlantic Orthapedic for 3 years and 2 months. It has given me the time I need to gain stability. It has really given me the space and grace I needed to fully develop into my mental illness. It allowed me time to grow as a person. It offered me so many different things, and I will always be grateful for that, but I always felt like I was playing the waiting game. I was waiting for something bigger and better to come along. I was waiting for my time to fly. I was waiting until I became strong enough to stand tall on my own two feet. And now that time has come and I am ready to make moves and really make something of myself. I am on my way to making those moves. This morning I made my first move and I did something HUGE! And I am proud of myself for making that bold move and stepping out of my comfort zone and really going for it. And if it doesn’t pan out? Well, I have an option B. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. All I know is my time here at Atlantic Or...

April and August are my two hardest months to face. Why? Because the seasons change. Mentally I am strong and I am prepared for change on a daily basis. I can deal with changes easily. Chemically, in my brain, I cannot. So my brain does not want to deal with the changes of the season so it spirals into a manic episode which usually is a lot worse than what I faced this year. All that happened this year is I wrote a lot. And I lost a lot of sleep. A lot of sleep. Instead of sleeping I would think. I spend the night thinking of things instead of being able to peacefully drift away into lala land and dream of sheep. You can try reading to sleep. That does not work for people who are bipolar. We get to interested in what we are reading and we can stay up all night invested in what we are reading even if it is the most boring book in the world. I don’t even watch tv to fall asleep. I turn off all my lights and just lay there in the dark, in the silence with my thoughts. And sleep does n...

I left work early today. I got in my car and i called Kaitlyn and i lost it. I cried hysterically because of the defeat i felt for leaving work early to come home and take my medicine and take a nap. I do not like it. But perhaps our strengths lie in knowing our limitations in our weaknesses and not exceeding them and going beyond them? Funny thing, i did the ultimate shameful no no thing to do. I lowered my medication because i thought i was ok. I jumped down from 120 to 60 of Latuda. You might be shaking your head. My therapist did. So now here i am typing this and force feeding myself mac and cheese so i can have enough calories in my system to take my Latuda 60 and then 60 more later tonight to balance out my system. Why did i suddenly drop my meds? Well you see, i have been reading the bible a lot and i have been conversing with God a lot and i asked him to show me a sign that i should or shouldn't be on medication. So as i began reading the bible i read the scriptur...

It is very important to inform you, the reader of the realities of a mental illness and the severities of it. I do not want to disillusion you with the upswing of the positivities of thriving with the wellness of having one without showing you the aspects of surviving with one. I have been losing sleep for nearly a month now. I have been going through quite a bit of a manic phase which may have contributed to why I have been writing so frequently, and soon enough I will write only periodically. It is how my episodes work. It is very typical of this disorder and it is the reality of this disorder, so while I am in the mood to write, I will write and I will write as frequently as the mood strikes. And when I do not write I will reflect back on the beautiful mess I created when the beauty of my episode struck so magically and created a master piece of reflections to look back on. I am not having delusions right now, so that is a major bonus, and if you were to look at me on the ou...

This entry was written a year into my recovery when I was going through a bunch of med changes and trying to find the right combination for me and discovering myself. This is what mental unstability looks and feels like. I still have my days where I feel like this but they are very few and far inbetween. This is from a very personal blog, where I will be sharing from every now and then. The date on this is Friday, July 28, 2017. Mood Swing What’s really in my heart, and what’s really in my mind? Something is bothering me and it is much deeper than just the normal every day hassles. Something is seriously getting to me and really hurting my soul. Something is buried down deep inside my being and it’s not surfacing to the top so I can face it head on and deal with it. I am feeling intensely. I am feeling every little bit of everything going on I just don’t know what it is. I texted and called James and he didn’t respond. But that’s not what is bothering me. He is probably st...

You need glasses to see, you need crutches to walk. Some people need medicine to help their minds function properly and there is no shame in taking medicine if it is the proper medicine for you. Medicine is a very controversial topic and mental illness is a very taboo topic. I am bipolar type 1 and that is a very stigmatized label. It is very scary and often not thought kindly of. Yet I share my story boldly and proudly because I am on the proper treatment plan and I have the support system in place to keep my red flags in check. I am so well taken care of that I can literally e-mail my psychiatric doctor and hear back from her in the same day. I had to fight for that type of treatment. It took me quite some time to get to this level of comfort with my mental wellness, but I have gotten here. There is no shame in saying you need help with you mental wellness and there is no shame in saying you have a mental illness. So what, your chemicals are imbalanced? Where is there shame in th...

Its hard to let go of the past and move on to the future when your past holds on to so much of who you are. But when you hold on to the past you don't allow the future of possibilities to enter into your life. There will always be nostalgic moments of reminiscing of what used to be and who you used to be. There will always be a special place in my heart for the person i was, but if we allow ourselves to be held captive by the bondage of who that person is we can never shed our skin and become who we truly want to be. We can never grow. I have never once said change doesn't hurt. Infact it is one of the most emotionally painful transformations there is. I used to hate change. I despised it. I hated when the seasons even changed. And now i literally face change on a daily basis. The only stability i have right now is knowing that my life is constantly changing and i have to embrace that. I have to let go of my past, let go of who i once was, embrace this time of transformatio...