Skip to main content

Fine Line


It is very important to inform you, the reader of the realities of a mental illness and the severities of it. I do not want to disillusion you with the upswing of the positivities of thriving with the wellness of having one without showing you the aspects of surviving with one.

I have been losing sleep for nearly a month now. I have been going through quite a bit of a manic phase which may have contributed to why I have been writing so frequently, and soon enough I will write only periodically. It is how my episodes work. It is very typical of this disorder and it is the reality of this disorder, so while I am in the mood to write, I will write and I will write as frequently as the mood strikes. And when I do not write I will reflect back on the beautiful mess I created when the beauty of my episode struck so magically and created a master piece of reflections to look back on.

I am not having delusions right now, so that is a major bonus, and if you were to look at me on the outside you wouldn’t think anything at all was wrong. In fact you would surely think, wow this person is just a super positive person and she has great things going on in her life and I am really happy for her!

But I know this is just an upswing and the realities of it is that there will most likely be a down swing to follow, but the down swing won’t be so hard and such a brutal pill to swallow because I have such a great therapist and great coping mechanisms and such great medications thanks to technology.

There is a fine line you must follow when you have a mental illness, there is a tight rope you must walk, a balance you must find and learning to find that balance is so difficult. It is very fine, it’s like looping a thick piece of yarn through a needle hole, nearly impossible. One day you will get it right.

You must learn to embrace the journey though. Remain positive, continue seeing the glass as half full and trusting in God. That is the only way you will make it through this life. Life is hard, and you have to play the hand you are dealt, so play it wisely.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Delicate

This is a very delicate topic so I am going to be as sensitive about it as possible. You see all 3 of my breakdowns had one thing in common, i abused stimulants. I was prescribed them but i was not using them as medically prescribed. I would use them to stay up all night and study for my exams or to be that little bit of extra productive at my serving shift. I did take the adhd test and was clinically diadnosed as adhd BUT adhd can mirror Bipolar and the way my psychiatrist explained  to me was that if i were on the right medication to begin with i wouldnt have found the need to abuse prescription stimulants in the first place. This happened for my breakdowns in 2010 and 2013. In 2016 it was different. I was NOT abusing stimulants, i was using vyvanse as medically prescribed and slowly adding in strattera when i added in strattera that is when things started going south. So it is always a question in the back of my head of whether or not i am just not capable of taking stimulants ...
Post a Comment
Read more

In the beginning

I have not been able to fully be THIS alive in 9 years. I am loving every minute of it. In the past 9 years, every 3 years I have had an episode that has torn me down and made me restart my life. The most recent was 2016, the time before that was 2013, and the first was 2010. This is the first time I have broken that 3 year curse and successfully exceeded past the miserable Spring time that brings on my infamous breakdowns. I was 23 when my first episode struck. I was a server at Olive Garden and I was also living with two roommates out in Virginia Beach. I remember the day that my dad knew something was wrong very vividly. I don’t remember the whole day, I just remember a moment of the day. I was on break, I was working a double. I walked out the back door to smoke a cigarette and I walked down to the pond. This was totally out of character and something I would normally never do. I called my Dad and I told him “I love you.” He immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Sovreign

My life flashed before my eyes tonight. I was driving on the interstate and a car was tailing me and another car was to the right so as soon as i could move past the car to the right i did, but the car that was tailing me had the same idea and we almost collided going 60+ on the interstate. My life was at stake tonight! A few minutes before that I prayed to God that i would make it home safely. I have been having trouble with my car for a few weeks. It has been making a put putting sound. All of this put into perspective the Sovreignty of God for me tonight. We learned about it in bible study a few months ago. I am not an ultra religious person, but i believe in God and I believe Jesus is my Savior and i really enjoy reading the bible. I am perfect by no means, you can catch me dropping the f-bomb here and there. The sovreignty we learned about was found in the book of Habbakuk. When the people were doing wicked things and Habbakuk was crying out to God asking why are you blessing...
Post a Comment
Read more