Skip to main content

Alarm Clock


April and August are my two hardest months to face. Why? Because the seasons change. Mentally I am strong and I am prepared for change on a daily basis. I can deal with changes easily. Chemically, in my brain, I cannot. So my brain does not want to deal with the changes of the season so it spirals into a manic episode which usually is a lot worse than what I faced this year. All that happened this year is I wrote a lot. And I lost a lot of sleep. A lot of sleep. Instead of sleeping I would think. I spend the night thinking of things instead of being able to peacefully drift away into lala land and dream of sheep.
You can try reading to sleep. That does not work for people who are bipolar. We get to interested in what we are reading and we can stay up all night invested in what we are reading even if it is the most boring book in the world. I don’t even watch tv to fall asleep. I turn off all my lights and just lay there in the dark, in the silence with my thoughts. And sleep does not happen. I take enough pills to put down a horse. 60mg of Latuda which has a sedating effect, 2 ½ mg of Xanax which has a sedating effect, and 1 mg of Lunesta which is an actual sleeping pill which is supposed to gurantee sleep and actually help you sleep through the night. Did it? No. However last night I did increase my dose. But last night was an odd ball night because I had to pick up my parents from the airport so I had to split my dose, which I had to do anyway because I left work early which is irrelevant. The point is. I finally found sleep!
And today I am tired! This is bittersweet! Because I am winding down from my manic phase and everyone loves to be in a manic phase because it produces amazing productivity and energy and creativity, but at the cost of your sleep and an increase to your irritability. I would much rather live a life of sanity and normalcy than be writing in a frenzy. This is normalcy. This is reality.
I actually woke up to an alarm clock for the first time this month. What a shocker.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Wait Game

I have been at Atlantic Orthapedic for 3 years and 2 months. It has given me the time I need to gain stability. It has really given me the space and grace I needed to fully develop into my mental illness. It allowed me time to grow as a person. It offered me so many different things, and I will always be grateful for that, but I always felt like I was playing the waiting game. I was waiting for something bigger and better to come along. I was waiting for my time to fly. I was waiting until I became strong enough to stand tall on my own two feet. And now that time has come and I am ready to make moves and really make something of myself. I am on my way to making those moves. This morning I made my first move and I did something HUGE! And I am proud of myself for making that bold move and stepping out of my comfort zone and really going for it. And if it doesn’t pan out? Well, I have an option B. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. All I know is my time here at Atlantic Or...
Post a Comment
Read more

Sovreign

My life flashed before my eyes tonight. I was driving on the interstate and a car was tailing me and another car was to the right so as soon as i could move past the car to the right i did, but the car that was tailing me had the same idea and we almost collided going 60+ on the interstate. My life was at stake tonight! A few minutes before that I prayed to God that i would make it home safely. I have been having trouble with my car for a few weeks. It has been making a put putting sound. All of this put into perspective the Sovreignty of God for me tonight. We learned about it in bible study a few months ago. I am not an ultra religious person, but i believe in God and I believe Jesus is my Savior and i really enjoy reading the bible. I am perfect by no means, you can catch me dropping the f-bomb here and there. The sovreignty we learned about was found in the book of Habbakuk. When the people were doing wicked things and Habbakuk was crying out to God asking why are you blessing...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Lucky One

I left work early today. I got in my car and i called Kaitlyn and i lost it. I cried hysterically because of the defeat i felt for leaving work early to come home and take my medicine and take a nap. I do not like it. But perhaps our strengths lie in knowing our limitations in our weaknesses and not exceeding them and going beyond them? Funny thing, i did the ultimate shameful no no thing to do. I lowered my medication because i thought i was ok. I jumped down from 120 to 60 of Latuda. You might be shaking your head. My therapist did. So now here i am typing this and force feeding myself mac and cheese so i can have enough calories in my system to take my Latuda 60 and then 60 more later tonight to balance out my system. Why did i suddenly drop my meds? Well you see, i have been reading the bible a lot and i have been conversing with God a lot and i asked him to show me a sign that i should or shouldn't be on medication. So as i began reading the bible i read the scriptur...
Post a Comment
Read more