Skip to main content

Alarm Clock


April and August are my two hardest months to face. Why? Because the seasons change. Mentally I am strong and I am prepared for change on a daily basis. I can deal with changes easily. Chemically, in my brain, I cannot. So my brain does not want to deal with the changes of the season so it spirals into a manic episode which usually is a lot worse than what I faced this year. All that happened this year is I wrote a lot. And I lost a lot of sleep. A lot of sleep. Instead of sleeping I would think. I spend the night thinking of things instead of being able to peacefully drift away into lala land and dream of sheep.
You can try reading to sleep. That does not work for people who are bipolar. We get to interested in what we are reading and we can stay up all night invested in what we are reading even if it is the most boring book in the world. I don’t even watch tv to fall asleep. I turn off all my lights and just lay there in the dark, in the silence with my thoughts. And sleep does not happen. I take enough pills to put down a horse. 60mg of Latuda which has a sedating effect, 2 ½ mg of Xanax which has a sedating effect, and 1 mg of Lunesta which is an actual sleeping pill which is supposed to gurantee sleep and actually help you sleep through the night. Did it? No. However last night I did increase my dose. But last night was an odd ball night because I had to pick up my parents from the airport so I had to split my dose, which I had to do anyway because I left work early which is irrelevant. The point is. I finally found sleep!
And today I am tired! This is bittersweet! Because I am winding down from my manic phase and everyone loves to be in a manic phase because it produces amazing productivity and energy and creativity, but at the cost of your sleep and an increase to your irritability. I would much rather live a life of sanity and normalcy than be writing in a frenzy. This is normalcy. This is reality.
I actually woke up to an alarm clock for the first time this month. What a shocker.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Delicate

This is a very delicate topic so I am going to be as sensitive about it as possible. You see all 3 of my breakdowns had one thing in common, i abused stimulants. I was prescribed them but i was not using them as medically prescribed. I would use them to stay up all night and study for my exams or to be that little bit of extra productive at my serving shift. I did take the adhd test and was clinically diadnosed as adhd BUT adhd can mirror Bipolar and the way my psychiatrist explained  to me was that if i were on the right medication to begin with i wouldnt have found the need to abuse prescription stimulants in the first place. This happened for my breakdowns in 2010 and 2013. In 2016 it was different. I was NOT abusing stimulants, i was using vyvanse as medically prescribed and slowly adding in strattera when i added in strattera that is when things started going south. So it is always a question in the back of my head of whether or not i am just not capable of taking stimulants or w
Post a Comment
Read more

The Power of a Praying Mother

Mental illness is difficult, but you often fail to realize the toll it takes on those surrounding you. How does it effect their life? During my first break down my mom was in the Philippines. During my second breakdown my mom was in the Philippines but during my third? My God was she here! She lived through it! And you know how she told me she survived? She said she survived because she is a mother who prays. And i believe i am as strong as i am now today because i have a mother who gets on her face and cries out to God for mercy on her childrens lives. All those years I lived a wreckless life. All those years that I spent living on the edge unmedicated having episodes surving on Gods grace alone? I have a praying mother and I believe that is what got me through. Relentlessly she prays for Gods blessings to pour out on our lives, even if we dont go to church and say a blessing over our meal before we eat. And God has always protected us and provided for us. When i say us, i mean my
Post a Comment
Read more

In the beginning

I have not been able to fully be THIS alive in 9 years. I am loving every minute of it. In the past 9 years, every 3 years I have had an episode that has torn me down and made me restart my life. The most recent was 2016, the time before that was 2013, and the first was 2010. This is the first time I have broken that 3 year curse and successfully exceeded past the miserable Spring time that brings on my infamous breakdowns. I was 23 when my first episode struck. I was a server at Olive Garden and I was also living with two roommates out in Virginia Beach. I remember the day that my dad knew something was wrong very vividly. I don’t remember the whole day, I just remember a moment of the day. I was on break, I was working a double. I walked out the back door to smoke a cigarette and I walked down to the pond. This was totally out of character and something I would normally never do. I called my Dad and I told him “I love you.” He immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me w
Post a Comment
Read more