Shame

Right now I am currently listening to Brene Brown talk on Shame and it reminds me of the huge amount of shame I felt after my break downs. This was something I couldn’t control and something that was a chemical imbalance that decided to happen impervious to anything I could do about it. Yet it happened and I had to live with the exploitation of the decisions I made when I wasn’t in control of my own brain.

The worst part about it? I knew, and I was well aware of everything I was doing while I was doing it. I just wasn’t aware of why I was doing it. I lived in a false reality of which I discussed previously as a delusion. I will go into details later of other delusions I have had. But for now, let’s discuss shame.

There is nothing more shameful than every single friend disassociating themselves from you after you have had a break down. I was a social butterfly before my break down. Then after? Everyone that I thought was my friend left. No phone call, no messages, nothing. What I thought was a close connection was not. After my first two break downs the only people I had in my life were family. That was it. After my third break down, I had a solid group of friends who stood by my side that I am very thankful for and who still stand by my side to this day. And I had a man that stood by my side, that to this day I still call my friend.

Yet there was an immense amount of shame. I wish I knew now, what I didn’t know then which is not to carry that burden of shame around with me. I was not in control of my actions. My mind was chemically imbalanced. It played tricks on me. I lost control. I have a mental illness. Which is why I take medicine to control the balance of chemicals.

I carry no shame now, I share my story proudly, because there is no shame in having a mental illness. We are all built and designed differently. I am no different than someone who was born with autism or Asperger, or has Diabetes or Cancer. I do not feel ashamed of my past because it made me who I am. It built character in me and made me oh so resilient. I am excited about my future. I am excited about where I am heading and where I am going.

I am being courageous and vulnerable and I am no longer carrying the shame and guilt of what trapped me into a secret past that hides a story of what happened in my life. Mental Illness is real. It shouldn’t be something we are afraid of. And it shouldn’t be a secret. It also shouldn’t be something we are ashamed of telling other people about. Let this make us courageous and see it as a strength because we have overcome it and we have become bolder because of it and we have not given up on this life, instead we wake up and we fight daily struggles and we lift our heads high and we never give up!