Skip to main content

Shame


Right now I am currently listening to Brene Brown talk on Shame and it reminds me of the huge amount of shame I felt after my break downs. This was something I couldn’t control and something that was a chemical imbalance that decided to happen impervious to anything I could do about it. Yet it happened and I had to live with the exploitation of the decisions I made when I wasn’t in control of my own brain.
The worst part about it? I knew, and I was well aware of everything I was doing while I was doing it. I just wasn’t aware of why I was doing it. I lived in a false reality of which I discussed previously as a delusion. I will go into details later of other delusions I have had. But for now, let’s discuss shame.
There is nothing more shameful than every single friend disassociating themselves from you after you have had a break down. I was a social butterfly before my break down. Then after? Everyone that I thought was my friend left. No phone call, no messages, nothing. What I thought was a close connection was not. After my first two break downs the only people I had in my life were family. That was it. After my third break down, I had a solid group of friends who stood by my side that I am very thankful for and who still stand by my side to this day. And I had a man that stood by my side, that to this day I still call my friend.
Yet there was an immense amount of shame. I wish I knew now, what I didn’t know then which is not to carry that burden of shame around with me. I was not in control of my actions. My mind was chemically imbalanced. It played tricks on me. I lost control. I have a mental illness. Which is why I take medicine to control the balance of chemicals.
I carry no shame now, I share my story proudly, because there is no shame in having a mental illness. We are all built and designed differently. I am no different than someone who was born with autism or Asperger, or has Diabetes or Cancer. I do not feel ashamed of my past because it made me who I am. It built character in me and made me oh so resilient. I am excited about my future. I am excited about where I am heading and where I am going.
I am being courageous and vulnerable and I am no longer carrying the shame and guilt of what trapped me into a secret past that hides a story of what happened in my life. Mental Illness is real. It shouldn’t be something we are afraid of. And it shouldn’t be a secret. It also shouldn’t be something we are ashamed of telling other people about. Let this make us courageous and see it as a strength because we have overcome it and we have become bolder because of it and we have not given up on this life, instead we wake up and we fight daily struggles and we lift our heads high and we never give up!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Delicate

This is a very delicate topic so I am going to be as sensitive about it as possible. You see all 3 of my breakdowns had one thing in common, i abused stimulants. I was prescribed them but i was not using them as medically prescribed. I would use them to stay up all night and study for my exams or to be that little bit of extra productive at my serving shift. I did take the adhd test and was clinically diadnosed as adhd BUT adhd can mirror Bipolar and the way my psychiatrist explained  to me was that if i were on the right medication to begin with i wouldnt have found the need to abuse prescription stimulants in the first place. This happened for my breakdowns in 2010 and 2013. In 2016 it was different. I was NOT abusing stimulants, i was using vyvanse as medically prescribed and slowly adding in strattera when i added in strattera that is when things started going south. So it is always a question in the back of my head of whether or not i am just not capable of taking stimulants or w
Post a Comment
Read more

In the beginning

I have not been able to fully be THIS alive in 9 years. I am loving every minute of it. In the past 9 years, every 3 years I have had an episode that has torn me down and made me restart my life. The most recent was 2016, the time before that was 2013, and the first was 2010. This is the first time I have broken that 3 year curse and successfully exceeded past the miserable Spring time that brings on my infamous breakdowns. I was 23 when my first episode struck. I was a server at Olive Garden and I was also living with two roommates out in Virginia Beach. I remember the day that my dad knew something was wrong very vividly. I don’t remember the whole day, I just remember a moment of the day. I was on break, I was working a double. I walked out the back door to smoke a cigarette and I walked down to the pond. This was totally out of character and something I would normally never do. I called my Dad and I told him “I love you.” He immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me w
Post a Comment
Read more

The Power of a Praying Mother

Mental illness is difficult, but you often fail to realize the toll it takes on those surrounding you. How does it effect their life? During my first break down my mom was in the Philippines. During my second breakdown my mom was in the Philippines but during my third? My God was she here! She lived through it! And you know how she told me she survived? She said she survived because she is a mother who prays. And i believe i am as strong as i am now today because i have a mother who gets on her face and cries out to God for mercy on her childrens lives. All those years I lived a wreckless life. All those years that I spent living on the edge unmedicated having episodes surving on Gods grace alone? I have a praying mother and I believe that is what got me through. Relentlessly she prays for Gods blessings to pour out on our lives, even if we dont go to church and say a blessing over our meal before we eat. And God has always protected us and provided for us. When i say us, i mean my
Post a Comment
Read more