Skip to main content

Delusions


I had just come home from Walgreens. I spent almost 100 dollars on ink pens. They were on sale. It was my favorite type of ink pens. G2, in every color. I sat in my chair at my desk and I started zoning in and out of reality. My mind was completely blank. I just sat there staring into an empty hallway. Thinking of absolutely nothing. I felt like a complete zombie. My mind was not racing. I was not hearing voices. I was just sitting there in silence. Zoning. My roommate found me and said we need to call your dad.
The night before, I was up all night long. I was talking to our cat Tinkerbell(?) having a conversation about a guy who I thought I was dating who I also thought was playing hide and seek with me. I was having a delusion. It was the first time I had ever experienced a delusion before. I had read about it in Psychology class, because I was a psychology major at the time and I was taking abnormal psychology but I had never experienced it.
When you experience a delusion, you experience false realities. The internet defines a delusion as this:
1.              delusion
[dəˈlo͞oZHən]
NOUN
delusions (plural noun)
1.     an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.
 
My first delusion was believing that the guy I was not really dating was in love with me and wanted to marry me and was just playing hide and seek with me. He was in the marines and he was a tactical officer so I firmly believed in this delusion. In reality, he was off in Jacksonville dating multiple different women. Yet, here I was at 3am talking to a cat about how he was so in love with me and how I just needed to find him.
 
That was my first delusion which led to a hangover. Which led to me buying 100 dollars worth of ink pens at Walgreens the next day and zoning in and out of the hallway because I had stayed up the whole night before.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Delicate

This is a very delicate topic so I am going to be as sensitive about it as possible. You see all 3 of my breakdowns had one thing in common, i abused stimulants. I was prescribed them but i was not using them as medically prescribed. I would use them to stay up all night and study for my exams or to be that little bit of extra productive at my serving shift. I did take the adhd test and was clinically diadnosed as adhd BUT adhd can mirror Bipolar and the way my psychiatrist explained  to me was that if i were on the right medication to begin with i wouldnt have found the need to abuse prescription stimulants in the first place. This happened for my breakdowns in 2010 and 2013. In 2016 it was different. I was NOT abusing stimulants, i was using vyvanse as medically prescribed and slowly adding in strattera when i added in strattera that is when things started going south. So it is always a question in the back of my head of whether or not i am just not capable of taking stimulants or w

The Power of a Praying Mother

Mental illness is difficult, but you often fail to realize the toll it takes on those surrounding you. How does it effect their life? During my first break down my mom was in the Philippines. During my second breakdown my mom was in the Philippines but during my third? My God was she here! She lived through it! And you know how she told me she survived? She said she survived because she is a mother who prays. And i believe i am as strong as i am now today because i have a mother who gets on her face and cries out to God for mercy on her childrens lives. All those years I lived a wreckless life. All those years that I spent living on the edge unmedicated having episodes surving on Gods grace alone? I have a praying mother and I believe that is what got me through. Relentlessly she prays for Gods blessings to pour out on our lives, even if we dont go to church and say a blessing over our meal before we eat. And God has always protected us and provided for us. When i say us, i mean my

In the beginning

I have not been able to fully be THIS alive in 9 years. I am loving every minute of it. In the past 9 years, every 3 years I have had an episode that has torn me down and made me restart my life. The most recent was 2016, the time before that was 2013, and the first was 2010. This is the first time I have broken that 3 year curse and successfully exceeded past the miserable Spring time that brings on my infamous breakdowns. I was 23 when my first episode struck. I was a server at Olive Garden and I was also living with two roommates out in Virginia Beach. I remember the day that my dad knew something was wrong very vividly. I don’t remember the whole day, I just remember a moment of the day. I was on break, I was working a double. I walked out the back door to smoke a cigarette and I walked down to the pond. This was totally out of character and something I would normally never do. I called my Dad and I told him “I love you.” He immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me w